GEORGE CARLIN

"I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better."

"How can he be perfect? Everything he ever makes, dies."

"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."

"Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture."

"Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes."

"Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom."

"I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic."

"Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did."

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."

"Sometimes a little brain damage can help."

"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist."

"It's never just a game when you're winning."

"If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?"

"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music."

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."

"Is there another word for synonym?"

"The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store."

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."

"The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity."

"People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point."

"Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away."

"A cat will blink when struck with a hammer."

"Most people with low self-esteem have earned it."

"Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers."

"It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot."

"What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!"

"Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience."

"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"

"Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body."

"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."

"Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?"

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

"A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff."

"People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math."

"If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?"

"Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind."

"I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck."

"With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius."

"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions."

"Always do whatever's next."

"Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life."

"I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free."