GROUCHO MARX

"I intend to live forever, or die trying."

"She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me."

"Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."

"Here's to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet!"

"Anything that can’t be done in bed isn’t worth doing at all."

"Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while"

"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."

"Humour is reason gone mad."

"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

"Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."

"Who says Television isn't educational, as soon as the T.V. comes on I read a book."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"I must admit, I was born at an early age."

"Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms."

"A very interesting theory makes no sense at all."

"Go, and never darken my towels again."

"Once I put it down I couldn't pick it back up."

"A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket."

"Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

"Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances."

"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough."

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally."

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'."

"All people are born alike except Republicans and Democrats."

"The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around."

"I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks."

"I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's."

"In studying your basic metabolism, we first listen to your heart's beat."

"I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed."

"I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have me as a member."

"I have nothing but respect for you and not much of that."

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."

"Do you mind if I don't smoke?"

"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."

"I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it."

"I love to read. My education is self-inflicted."

"Marriage is the chief cause of divorce."

"You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff."

"Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!"

"If I hold you any closer I'll be in back of you!"

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"Before I speak, I have something important to say."