GROUCHO MARX

"Marriage is the chief cause of divorce."

"A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."

"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."

"A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket."

"All geniuses die young."

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."

"Any place I hang my head is home."

"Die in the West and you’re halfway to Heaven."

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today."

"Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light."

"Everyone must believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."

"Go, and never darken my towels again."

"Humour is reason gone mad."

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally."

"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."

"I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks."

"I only write first editions."

"I intend to live forever, or die trying."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's."

"I have nothing but respect for you and not much of that."

"I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have me as a member."

"If you are one of those lucky persons who own a pen that writes underwater, you might try living in a swimming pool."

"If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere."

"If I hold you any closer I'll be in back of you!"

"I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you."

"Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman."

"Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while"

"If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong."

"Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."

"If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar."

"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."

"Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo."

"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."

"Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances."

"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."

"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."

"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."

"No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend."

"She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me."

"Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men - the other 999 follow women."

"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."