GEORGE CARLIN

"The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity."

"People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point."

"Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away."

"A cat will blink when struck with a hammer."

"Most people with low self-esteem have earned it."

"Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers."

"It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot."

"What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!"

"Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience."

"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"

"Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body."

"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."

"Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?"

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

"A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff."

"People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math."

"If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?"

"Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind."

"I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck."

"With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius."

"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions."

"Always do whatever's next."