GEORGE CARLIN

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."

"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."

"Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture."

"Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope."

"A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff."

"Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers."

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."

"A cat will blink when struck with a hammer."

"Always do whatever's next."

"Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life."

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"Everyone smiles in the same language."

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

"I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better."

"I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck."

"I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed."

"If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?"

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."

"If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work."

"If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?"

"I think I am, therefore, I am. I think."

"I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes."

"Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?"

"If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders."

"Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck."

"Is there another word for synonym?"

"If we could only find out who's in charge, we could kill him."

"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"

"It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot."

"It's never just a game when you're winning."

"Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it."

"Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school."

"Life is tough, then you die."

"One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim."

"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."

"People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math."

"Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience."

"Pardon me I've got nothing to say."

"People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure."

"Most people with low self-esteem have earned it."

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

"People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point."

"Sometimes a little brain damage can help."

"Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes."

"Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be."

"Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body."