Funny

"I had three chairs in my house; one for solitude, two for friendship, three for society."

"Is there another word for synonym?"

"You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig."

"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria."

"As soon as you have made a thought, laugh at it."

"Making a decision to write was a lot like deciding to jump into a frozen lake."

"Eat to live, don't live to eat."

"People can cry much easier than they can change."

"Go, and never darken my towels again."

"I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there."

"A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket."

"I only drink Champagne on two occasions, when I am in love and when I am not."

"If we do an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, we will be a blind and toothless nation."

"What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!"

"I like funny guys and those, for some reason, tend to be nerdy guys."

"Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one."

"I know it is wet and the sun is not sunny, but we can have lots of good fun that is funny."

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'."

"Beer may cause you to digress and lead a happier life."

"If I blow my nose, it gets written all over the world."

"I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's."

"Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?"

"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."

"A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff."