Humour

"Animals are my friends and I don't eat my friends."

"I had three chairs in my house; one for solitude, two for friendship, three for society."

"Is there another word for synonym?"

"The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store."

"You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig."

"I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"Making a decision to write was a lot like deciding to jump into a frozen lake."

"What is history? The lie that everyone agrees on."

"To be awake is to be alive. I have never yet met a man who was quite awake."

"I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!"

"The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity."

"She's the sort of woman who lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted expression."

"A cat will blink when struck with a hammer."

"The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also."

"I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there."

"A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket."

"When the solution is simple, God is answering."

"It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot."

"The world needs banking but it does not need banks."

"If we do an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, we will be a blind and toothless nation."

"90% of the work in this country is done by people who don't feel good."

"I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing."

"It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!"