"Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance."

"To be sure you know no actual good of me, but nobody thinks of that when they fall in love."

"You must learn some of my philosophy. Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure."

"If I blow my nose, it gets written all over the world."

"Make-up can only make you look pretty on the outside but it doesn't help if your ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the make-up."

"Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm. I really hope no one misinterprets this quote as being about masturbation."