"Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance."

"If I blow my nose, it gets written all over the world."

"Make-up can only make you look pretty on the outside but it doesn't help if your ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the make-up."

"Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm. I really hope no one misinterprets this quote as being about masturbation."

"From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!"

"Poor empty pants with nobody inside them."